Saturday, June 30, 2012
Trust me, it’s crazy to see your life on television. That’s why every week, I’m going to do a blog posts called “On Second Thought.” These posts are where I will go over the episodes of my Lifetime show as I process the issues presented now that I’ve seen them aired. I hope you’ll join me for these weekly posts – which will undoubtedly be part-confession, part-explanation, and part-celebration of my life right now!
“I’ve failed as a mother,” I said to Willow in front of Tripp. Why did I say that? Because as much as I try, I’m only one person trying to create a family without a father. I’ve brought a son into the world who won’t know his dad.
This is why we really should trust God to know what’s best for our lives. In high school, I knew I shouldn’t have been with Levi. Had I followed God’s laws about having sex within the context of marriage-only, I would’ve prevented a great deal of heartache and pain.
I’ve said this before, but it’s worth saying again: Tripp was not the mistake. Tripp is a gift from God. But there’s no denying it: I’ve put him in a less than ideal family situation.
On second thought, maybe I shouldn’t have said I’ve failed as a mom. After all, I’m going to be a mom for the rest of my life, and every day is new! Though I didn’t start this process out in the right way, God is forgiving and wonderful to me. He helps me through each day!
When I found out Levi was writing a book, I was sure it’d be classified as fiction. However, when his book came out, it was as bad as I’d feared. Friends texted me gross snippets. I read details in the newspapers. It’s crazy to get used to the idea that there is someone out there who is determined on misrepresenting my life and our relationship. But, after our debut on the national scene in 2008, I guess I’ve gotten a little more used to it.
I won’t lie. When we were to the range to shoot trap, I was excited about the possibility of using his “memoir” as a target. My only fear is that I’d miss it! Shooting at the little clay disks was fun, but I considered that mere practice for when I could get his book out. (Did you see what a great shot my friend Marissa is? Do not mess with her!)
We had an awesome instructor, who helped us a great deal… As you can see, we tore that book up. My frustration over his “tell all” was blown away with every round.
Oh yeah. And there was that scene with the paparazzi. In Alaska, people are used to seeing us, because everyone knows everyone in Wasilla. Yes, there are some reporters who will make the trek from other places in order to dig up dirt, but the most we get is usually some waves from people at restaurants or on the road. When I lived in Arizona, people saw the Alaska plates on my truck and would speed up to see if it was possibly a Palin vehicle. Most people are friendly and considerate of our family, and simply want to say hello.
But you can’t find a more celebrity-focused area than Los Angeles. Reporters are everywhere trying to get photos of stars, who apparently are everywhere. Since I definitely don’t consider myself a celebrity, it’s always funny to see them trying to snap a photo of me, Tripp, and Willow.
When we were eating outside, I saw them gathering on the other side of the road. On second thought, should I have asked him to stick his tongue out at the media?
Definitely! I’ve got to raise the boy with some values, after all!
Just the word causes a little pang in my heart.
When I was skating with Tripp at the hockey rink in Episode 4, I said, “All men are dogs.” On second thought, I shouldn’t have said that. It’s not true in life generally and it’s not even true in my life specifically. I have my dad, who’s one of the best people on the planet. He can win the Iron Dog, braid Piper’s hair, catch salmon, teach me a life lesson, and make sure our truck engines don’t freeze overnight in the winter months. Then, there’s Track, my brother who’s tormented his little sisters my entire life… and is still tormenting me as I wait for him to return from Afghanistan! Of course, I also have my grandfathers who have held together our family with their character and strength.
I guess as I stood there trying to skate with Tripp, I was simply frustrated. I never thought I’d be the one teaching Tripp to skate. I always envisioned having a husband helping our son strap on the skates and glide over the ice.
And so, there’s a hole. In my family. In Tripp’s life. In my heart.
Talking to Andy while we were stacking firewood was really poignant. “I’ve seen my dad twice. Once at a golf course and once after I turned 18,” he said. “I’m fine. I’m the person I am today, because my mom taught me everything. My dad is just a name on a birth certificate to me.”
Of course, I think Andy’s great and his mom obviously did a great job. However, I know it’s not God’s perfect plan for boys to be raised without dads… especially when the father lives down the street. That’s why I said, in a previous episode, that I’d failed as a mom. That’s why it hurts my heart so much to be in this situation.
As we drove to Anchorage, I was so nervous. I didn’t want Tripp to be let down if Levi didn’t show. Of course, if you saw the show you know Levi didn’t manage to make it. Instead, I got an angry phone call from his girlfriend.
I never thought my life would be this way. However, I’m thankful for all of the blessings that we have. I’m thankful for all the wonderful men in my family and in my life. Especially Tripp, who was really thankful I let him eat that icing right out of the can when we were baking.